only if

2013.10.06

이별. 

시리다. 

아프다. 

후회된다. 

고통에 시달리는 동물 울부짖는 소리같은 내 울음소리가 들린다. 

용기를 낸다. 

아팠다. 

시렸다. 

잠잠하다. 

차분해진다. 

하나 둘씩 정리를 한다. 

다시 원래 내 모습으로 돌아왔다. 

추억이 담긴 것들을 차곡 차곡 상자에 넣는다. 

어깨가 무겁다. 

마음이 점점

고요해진다

그러다가

평온.

일단은 평온. 

261일. 그리고 안녕. 

2013.09.20

Today or yesterday was the Korean thanksgiving. But we didnt cook together or play cards together or laugh together. There were uncomfortable tension between the grown ups and awkward silences among the kiddies. Sometime after a nap and before coming home i realized i cant afford a small hair adventure that would cost something like $250 let alone an actual adventure like everyone else my age seems to be having these days. Then i decided to look through facebook as if it would make me feel more connected to other humans by spying on the happy lives of people i know or at least people i knew once.

And at first i was miserable for having been born into this knotted family this time of all times in history gone by and to come blaming virtually everyone and everything else. Then i realized that there are things i could have done differently. Like admitting to my mom im still seeing my boyfriend even if she disapproves because he goes to a shitty school and is poor. Because i may go to a better school but im just as poor or poorer then he is. I dont even have the balls to simply admit im seeing him. I still feel so incapable in so many ways and i still feel so miserable. I can feel myself losing it all over again but i cant even hold on to the one person that helps me stand up straight.

Actually come to think of it ive never really stood up for anything ive loved ever.

I dont know what im doing
I just want something to be going right for once
I dont know what misteps are triggering all of this and i dont know how to fix this.
Someone
Please help me

2013.05.31

I’ve come across a sort of revelation about life just now and thought it would be a shame to not write it down somewhere. 

Actually, it’s not really a revelation about life, but rather a calm panic attack induced by too much facebook-ing and adjusting to the Korean society. I know that the average human life span continues to be extended, and that in my early twenties, I need not be so concerned about how to live life. It will turn out fine in the long run if I don’t stray too far from the road. But as an unusually worrisome and nervous person that I’ve always been since I can remember, I can’t help but feel as though my life has taken a turn for the worse. Nothing dramatic has happened since the last post. School is going relatively fine, I have a part time job, which I will quit as soon as they pay me my salary, I joined an a cappella  group, my boyfriend loves me (for now) and nothing is going apparently “wrong”. But while friends who graduated high school with me are completing their third year of college, and they’ve made networks and befriended new people, I have 3 years of school left to just earn my bachelor’s degree. They are accomplishing more than they have in high school and they are finding their unique colors. My greatest accomplishment in life is still limited to those made in high school despite my efforts to find related work, or seeking another human being to be truly connected to, or scholastic efforts. I’ve become more susceptible to opinions of others and I feel myself losing confidence in the most basic things. 

I want to defend my inability to maintain my confidence and what not by saying that I still have not adjusted to Korea’s social standards. For one thing, standards of grading seem to me rather unreasonable. Why should there be a limit to how many students may earn a certain grade despite their test scores or general performance in class? Why are classes that are not graded this way perceived as “easier”? If grades are given based on performance, is it easier to earn a higher grade? Why is the lecture graded based on performance seen as a piece of cake? If there is no limit to how many students can get an A, then couldn’t there be no A’s at all? Even if that is unreasonable, why do the students think that no limit means everyone can earn A’s? What befuddles me even more greatly is that students are too focused on the grading system that they are more concerned about how to manipulate this system to earn a higher grade than the actual content dealt with in lecture. What is more, professors don’t seem to care about this kind of student attitudes. As a result, I’ve lost my way on how I have to study in order to maintain a respectable grade while actually learning something. 

Aside from the school system itself, I have a difficult time accepting the general student behaviors. When working on a group project, hardly anyone makes a decisive move. If a person, usually me, takes charge and members of the group have a different idea, they are unable to speak their minds to the whole group, so they talk among themselves, creating a divide within the group. This not only successfully creates two sides within a group,it makes the leader of the group look tyrannical. In group discussions when nobody takes charge, students seem to be unable to come to a conclusion and endlessly discuss the topic with little to no fruitful agreement. Because there is no leader to summarize and organize the discussion, it goes on an endless loop, resulting in unintended procrastination. This, in my opinion, is the result of unwillingness for anyone to “hurt someone’s feelings” by ignoring or cutting off an endless discussion. They seem to not recognize the fact that their ideals or true beliefs do not need to be reflected on the project or paper. In fact the project or paper is the result of their findings. Thesis  change according to what evidence becomes available. Thesis is flexible until supporting information has been clearly defined. Because projects are moving backwards where a thesis must stay put while we search for appropriate examples. Because some people don’t even bother to put there ideas forth, and because there is no apparent leader to organize all of this, our project is being infinitely delayed with the due date fast approaching. 

Years later, all of this won’t mean a thing, as so many things in middle school and high school turned out to be. But I can’t help but feel the pressure weighing me down and I’m not sure that I’m handling this right. 

I am also uncertain if I will be strong enough to stand up for my boy friend if he continues to wander and cannot finish school or transfer to a good school. I am so afraid that I will lose everything. 

2013.02.16

Last night obba asked me to send him a picture of me he could use as his phone background. This morning he sent me this:

We are so lame <3

2013.02.15

Obba and I were supposed to meet yesterday for Valentines, but I couldn’t see him cause I was sick. So I was in bed and all of a sudden someone rings the door bell and knocks on the door. And there he was holding a bowel of porridge, worried sick. He did the dishes, fed me, and left with the valentines presents I prepared for him. 

And after I went to bed, he sent the most adorable text♡

사랑하는 여보야 손편지는 아니지만 여기에다 적을게요ㅠㅠ

여보를 만나서 서로 알게되고 깊어지면서 오빤 참 행복해졌어요 물론 그만큼 고민도 많이 했어요…당신에게 어울리는 남자가 아닌데 하구여 ㅎㅎ 제가 그대에게 뭘 해드릴 수 있을지 당신 힘들게 만드는건 아닌지…상처만 주는게 아닐지 참 고민 많이 했어요. 당신에게 나란 사람이 뭘까 불안해하기두 했구요 <ㅋ 물론 울여보가 나 마니 사랑해주지만서도 헤~♥>

여보 있자나요 당신이 점점 커져요. 하루에 왠종일 단신생각만 해도 하루가 다 가버릴 정도로 커져버렸어요. 오늘 여보가 아프다고 했을 때 느꼈어…내가 해줄 수 있는게 없을까…. 여보한테 뭔가 도움이 될순 없을까…어떡할지 모르고 우왕좌왕 하다가 여보야 너무 보고 싶어서 찾아갔어요…사실 말이죠 오빠가 말을 막 놀려도…여보가 제일 소중하고 사랑스러우니까 쑥쓰런 마음 숨기려구 안그런척 모르는척 할 때가 많답니다 :D 헤~♥ 몰랏지 대지야! ㅋㅋ 사랑하는 사랑하고 또 사랑하는 여보 언능 나아요 ㅠㅠ 여보 이제 서울가면 언제 보디ㅠㅠ 흐잉..서로 멀리 떨어져있는게 무섭지만요 오빠도 여보 생각만 하면서 잘 하구 있을게요. 여보한테 안부끄러운 멋진남자 되고 싶어요 헤헤 당신에게 짐이 되긴 싫어요 ㅎㅎ

여보는 똑똑하고 이쁘니까 어디가도 인기 많을거야ㅎㅎ 어쩌겠니 니가 이쁜거류ㅠ 혹시나 어디 놀러가거나 다른 남자가 생겨도 나한테 숨기지 말아요 ㅎㅎ 다 말해주세요 아가씨ㅠ 안그랬음 좋겠지만 ㅎㅎ 나도 여보한테 다 말해줘야징~♥

여보여보여보~♥ 그럼 어서 나아요 ㅠㅠ

여보야 아프니까 걱정대요 ㅠㅠ 

How can I possibly not love this boy <3

2013.02.13

Here are some pictures from the time when I tried to teach him. He doesn’t want me to give him English lessons anymore though. Something about how he doesn’t want me to spend extra time devoted to his studies, that he already feels bad as it is because I’m too good for him, that he’s not worth my precious time…

Went to an Indian restaurant for dinner, then watched 7번방에 들어온 선물, then went to a kitty cafe.